Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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