apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize