he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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