i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize