tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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