God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
