that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
