You really coming over, don't trick.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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