Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
