matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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