Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize