i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
