I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
