I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
love makes seman taste better
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
