she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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