i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Every concussion has its silver lining
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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