mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
