so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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