I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize