I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
