i permit you to call me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
