community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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