I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
