I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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