im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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