Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
