Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
im about as happy as oj after his trial
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
