The maid of honor just puked.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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