I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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