I just threw up on my dentist
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
