Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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