Got a toothbrush?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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