Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize