my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize