it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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