I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
