My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
