Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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