i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
