Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
