my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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