guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
