She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
