I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
