Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
