so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
