Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize