I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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