Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
