Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
