The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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