someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize