Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
