He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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