We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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