Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
