conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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