And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you didnt know i had herpes?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize