you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Semen is not good for contacts.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize