turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
